A Valentine’s Day Reflection
By Prof Dr Zoë Chouliara
Valentine’s Day is often associated with romance, gestures, words, and togetherness. Alongside this, it can also be a helpful time to pause and reflect on a quieter but important question:
Does this relationship support my mental and physical wellbeing?
Romantic relationships can influence emotional states, stress levels, sleep, and overall wellbeing. Over time, relationships that feel supportive and emotionally safe may be associated with a greater sense of calm, stability, and self-connection. Conversely, relationships that are persistently stressful or destabilising can contribute to emotional strain reduced wellbeing, and even loss of direction in life.
Growthful relationships and relational health
A growth-supportive relationship is not defined by the absence of difficulty or disagreement. Rather, it is characterised by the capacity of both individuals to remain psychologically intact, reflective, and respectful over time.
There are no fairy tales in real relationships. No partnership is perfect. Relational health is not built through constant correction or unrealistic expectations, but through connection over correction—the ability to remain engaged, open, and responsive during moments of difference or strain, the ability to continue growing together without leaving anyone behind.
In relationships that tend to support wellbeing:
- Differences can be acknowledged without fear of punishment or withdrawal
- Disagreements may be repaired rather than avoided or escalated
- Each person retains a sense of autonomy and identity
- Power is not consistently held by one individual
- Each other needs are respected and acknowledged.
By contrast, relationships that are persistently unhealthy may limit growth, reduce confidence, and undermine a sense of safety or agency over time.
Indicators that a relationship may support wellbeing
People often describe wellbeing-supportive relationships as feeling relatively steady rather than chronically stressful. Individuals may notice that:
- They feel calmer or more settled in the other person’s presence
- They can express themselves without ongoing fear of criticism, rejection, emotional withdrawal, or contempt
- Communication feels possible without constant self-monitoring
- Disagreements do not routinely result in escalation or prolonged disconnection
- They feel supported in personal development rather than diminished or silenced
- They feel supported in their hour of need
Such experiences are often associated with reduced physiological stress and a greater sense of emotional security.
When a relationship feels emotionally costly
Some relationships appear stable externally but feel emotionally draining internally. This may include experiences such as:
- Persistent anxiety, tension, disrupted sleep or eating patterns associated with the relationship
- Constant infections/flare up of pre-existing conditions
- Feeling emotionally unsupported or unseen despite being in a partnership
- Ongoing self-doubt or pressure to manage the other person’s reactions
- A gradual sense of reduced confidence or vitality – often notices by people close to you
- A pervasive sense of loneliness, of not being seen
It can be helpful to acknowledge that relational strain can affect wellbeing, even in the absence of obvious conflict.
Gaslighting and erosion of psychological safety
One relational pattern that can significantly undermine wellbeing is gaslighting—a form of psychological interaction in which a person’s emotional or cognitive reality is repeatedly questioned, invalidate, or dismissed.
This may include experiences such as:
- Being told one is “too sensitive” or “misremembering” events
- Having emotional responses consistently minimised or invalidated
- Being encouraged to doubt one’s perception, memory, or judgement
- Feeling confused, uncertain, or self-distrusting following interactions
- Questioning your own judgement, decisions and even your won value
Over time, such patterns may erode confidence and interfere with a person’s ability to rely on their own internal signals. This represents a loss of psychological safety, rather than a difference in communication style.
When relationships involve risk and harm
It is also important to acknowledge that some relationships involve significant risk, including emotional, physical, or psychological harm.
Both women and men can experience serious abuse and, in some cases, fatal outcomes in intimate relationships. In England and Wales in 2024, of 108 domestic homicides, 83 women and 25 men were killed in a domestic context, with 66 deaths involving a current or former partner, according to the Office for National Statistics.
In Scotland, Police Scotland recorded over 63,000 domestic abuse incidents in 2023–24, with approximately half involving current or former partners. While women are disproportionately affected by severe intimate partner violence, men are also affected by domestic abuse, coercive control, stalking, and, in some cases, fatal harm.
Abusive dynamics are characterised by power and control, rather than relational difficulty. Indicators may include intimidation, threats, violence, isolation, or fear of consequences for asserting oneself.
Where fear or coercion is present, specialist support and safeguarding intervention are required.
A reflective question
Rather than asking whether a relationship is sufficiently exciting or whether one should simply try harder, a more health-focused question may be:
Does this relationship generally support my sense of emotional clarity, safety, and physical steadiness over time?
Reflection can be a helpful first step in understanding relational impact.
Even when a relationship is broadly healthy
Seeking perspective does not imply that something is wrong.
Many individuals seek space to reflect on relationships that are fundamentally stable, particularly during periods of transition, stress, crisis, or change. No relationship is perfect, and reflective support can be used to clarify needs, enhance understanding, or maintain wellbeing rather than to address crisis.
This may involve:
- Gaining perspective
- Reflecting on personal needs or boundaries – doing a needs audit
- Exploring relational patterns
- Having a neutral space for thought rather than decision-making
Such reflection can form part of ongoing self-care and psychological wellbeing.
Accessing professional support
If this article prompts reflection and you would like to discuss relational wellbeing in a professional context, you may wish to contact Courtyard Health Clinic or Zoe Chouliara Psychology to enquire about appointments.
Any therapeutic work would take place within an agreed professional framework following appropriate assessment and consent.
If there are immediate concerns about safety, the safeguarding resources below should be used.
Safeguarding and support (Scotland)
If you are concerned about immediate safety – your own or someone else’s – support is available:
• Immediate risk: Call 999
• 24-hour domestic abuse support:
Scottish Domestic Abuse and Forced Marriage Helpline
0800 027 1234 | Text 0141 212 5113
• Support for men:
Men’s Advice Line – 0808 801 0327
• Emotional distress:
Samaritans – 116 123
Accessing support does not require certainty or proof. Confidential services can provide information, support, and guidance.
Reach out. You are not alone.
